Tiger Vindicated by USDA, Plans Counter-Suit Alleging Defamation
There I am in bed last week dreaming about not being able to find my socks when the little men and women who live inside the radio start talking to me. The first story was about Roy Horn and so my first thought was, “Wow, slow news day” and, still groggy, I reached for the snooze button. Unfortunately, what was left of my peaceful slumber quickly evaporated upon this horrifying news: “According to a 233-page federal report, the tiger [of “Let’s All Maul Roy Horn” fame] was not hungry, and it was not an element of a terrorist plot or part of a scheme by animal rights activists.” I’ll pause a second while you read that line again. I believe I’ve written a few genuinely funny and original lines in my time, but I must admit I’ve never written anything that funny. I could live to be 300 and my odds of writing something that comical only increase slightly. When you take a moment to break down the convergence of the particular comic elements in that sentence the only real-world equivalent I can even begin to fathom would be something like Halley’s comet landing inside the Grand Canyon like God’s cosmic chip shot from one of Jupiter’s sandtraps.

I don’t even know where to begin in addressing the unparalleled absurdity of this story. I would’ve loved to have been at that press conference when the USDA unveiled this report…

Me: Sir! Sir! Was the tiger attack against Mr. Horn a result of spurned sexual advances?

USDA official: I don’t think that’s an appropriate…
Me: [cutting him off] Was the tiger molested at a young age by Michael Jackson?

USDA official: Who are you?

Me: [ignoring the question] Sir, is the tiger an Al-Qaeda operative? Have the internet photos of Osama Bin Laden playing cards with the tiger in 1985 been doctored?

USDA: I don’t think I can comment…

Me: [cutting him off again] Was Horn suspected of murdering Biggie Smalls? Did Suge Knight order the tiger to attack as retaliation for the Tupac murder? Was the attack gang-related?

USDA: Security! Could someone…

Security begins to move toward me.

Me: Sir, please answer the question! Was the attack a publicity stunt staged by the tiger’s PR firm?!?!? Sir! Sir!

All joking aside, though, there are a number of questions I want answered and probably the least pressing one is, “Why did the tiger attack Roy Horn?” Hells bells, folks, I think I can hazard a guess: because a tiger is a wild-f_cking-animal. Somewhere in the tiger employee handbook eating humans falls just after the part about wearing stripes as part of the company dress code. I mean, c’mon, there’s a reason tigers in the wild don’t organize little comedy troupes for themselves. Tigers are not natural stage performers. I don’t recall any all-carnivore dinner theater in the jungle. Frankly, I think the tiger showed incredible restraint in waiting this long to attack Roy Horn. When I see the guy on TV in that modern-day gay pirate get-up, I want to bite him.

I just can’t understand why finding out why the tiger did it is of any importance. Would the USDA like the tiger to attend court-appointed anger management sessions until he accepts responsibility for his actions? What’s done is done and wasting tax payer dollars to uncover the truth behind the attack is only slightly less ridiculous than hundreds of thousands of morons paying top dollar every year to watch two grown men prance around on stage with white tigers.