Michael Jackson: Still Guilty After All These Years
In a day and age when our country is so deeply divided along religious and political lines, I think it helps the healing process when liberals and conservatives, democrats and republicans, saints and sinners alike can all reach common ground on any issue, no matter how trivial. Whenever we can all just drop off our died-in-the-wool religious dogma with the valet parking attendant and leave our partisan politics at the coat check, I think we can join together for a meal at the Can’t We All Get Along Café and agree on this one issue: Michael Jackson is a child molester.

Now, I’ve included Michael before on my list of things that really piss me off and I don’t make a habit of repeating items, but I simply can’t help myself this time. I’ve been following this most recent case only sporadically, but from what I can gather, Michael Jackson has molested every little boy he’s ever come in contact with along with several hundred he’s never met. If I was a pregnant woman I wouldn’t even watch the news coverage for fear that Michael would molest my unborn son through the television. Such is the overwhelming power of his celebrity. Were it so inclined, NASA couldn’t develop a more efficient child-molesting machine.

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In a democratic society with a justice system built upon the principal that even our most hardened criminals are innocent until proven guilty, I think Michael should give us pause to reconsider this outdated notion. This motherfucker is so guilty and that’s all there is to it. I don’t even need the benefit of all of the mounting evidence against him to make this call. This jury is going to be sequestered for about 45 seconds before the foreman looks around the table and says, “We all agree this crazy motherfucker did it, right?” Two minutes later when the jury emerges and the foreman is asked to read the verdict I wouldn’t be surprised to hear him say, “Your honor, we find this crazy motherfucker guilty.”

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<>I’m not even sure Michael’s attorneys believe he’s innocent and in a quote I’m totally making up, his lead attorney is quoted as saying, “It is increasingly difficult to defend Mr. Jackson when he was caught on film again this morning molesting the two young sons of a street vendor outside this very courthouse.” Hell, the prosecution shouldn’t waste time and effort on any sort of elaborate defense. Why not just ask everyone to leave the courtroom except Michael, a little boy and a cameraman hidden behind a plant? I’ll lay 10-1 odds Michael’s pajama pants are off and his back pain magically disappears before the kid can squeal, “Mr. Jackson, I don’t like this game.”

<>Look, I can go on and on, but I sense I’m preaching to the choir. There’s no question he’s guilty, but he’s rich, and, in our democratic society, rich people don’t serve prison time even when they are guilty. So, I’ll rant about Michael again the next time some idiot parent leaves her four boys at Neverland Ranch for six months and we start this process all over again.