Let me begin by apologizing to my small, but loyal, following. I'd like to attribute my conspicuous absence at my blog to being on a Caribbean vacation or recovering from a sex change in Switzerland. But the truth is, I've just been too damn busy and not nearly pissed off enough to round up 10 items to blog about. I'll try to do better in the future. Here goes...
1) Adult ADD Medication.
First of all, can we all agree the paint of Attention Deficit Disorder has been far too liberally applied to the legitimate pediatric illnesses canvas? I mean, my God, the first time little Hunter's mind wanders, mom and dad shoot him full of moose tranquillizers and Ritalin suppositories and start blaming his piss-poor school work on ADD. I'm no pediatrician, but maybe he has trouble focusing because his parents let him drink Coke for breakfast and he spends eight hours a day simultaneously watching sexually explicit videos, playing gratuitously violent video games and masturbating. My point is, I think popular opinion is that as a society we've gone a little bit overboard diagnosing every kid not winning the National Geography Bee with ADD. But we've gone to an absolutely absurd level of avoiding personal responsibility with the advent of medication for ADULT ADD. I mean, honestly. Is there any major fuck-up at your office you couldn't get out of if your boss would actually believe shit like, "Sorry, boss. I've been having trouble concentrating lately. I have ADD, you know."? Caught looking at kiddie porn? No problem...ADD. Passed out drunk and pantless on the copier? No worries...ADD. Shitting in the women's bathroom sink? It's your lucky day...ADD! I'm not a big guy, but if some guy told me he was taking medication for adult ADD, I'd punch him in the stomach on principle alone and take my chances that he wouldn't beat the piss out of me.
2. The Confusing No-Turn-On-Red Arrow.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves: People who turn right on the red arrow or, worse yet, people behind me who honk because I'm NOT turning in front of them while the arrow is red. This never ceases to chap my ass. Idiot drivers just ignore it, like for shits and giggles, the city just decided to put some red arrows up around town INSTEAD of red lights. I guess the city planners just wanted a little variety. Tomorrow it might be red horseshoes or red clovers, but as long as it's red, it means the same thing. No, people! That fucking arrow is significant! It's not decorative! It means DO NOT TURN! Most drivers have no problem understanding the green arrow, yet the red arrow is like fucking chinese algebra. Why, God, are there so many morons taking up space and precious, precious oxygen?
3. Christopher Reeve.
I pride myself on the fact that I pull no punches on the blog. There's no group I give two shits about offending (especially since I use the fake name). Christopher Reeve supporters and well-wishers will not be the first exception. The guy pisses me off and here's why: to say nothing of the irony that Superman could fly but now can't even walk, there's some level of justice in having the rich and famous (and, in this case, nearly talentless) get their just desserts every once in a while. I mean on the fateful day of his paralysis, Christopher Reeve didn't slip on some wet tile at a soup kitchen. He wasn't helping flood victims or volunteering at a youth crisis center. Christopher Reeve fell off a fucking horse, folks. And, just so we're clear, he wasn't riding the horse to get water to put out a four-alarm fire at the homeless shelter. I'd imagine he was out for a nice afternoon of horseback riding in the countryside at his summer home in the Hamptons. I assume his horse got spooked when Reeve mentioned over his cell-phone he might like to have dinner at Olive Garden to, in his words, "see what it's like to be poor." I'm sorry, but I feel no sympathy for a man who gets hurt riding a horse any more than I feel sympathy for that one Olsen twin's eating disorder. It's insulting to other non-famous paralysis victims that Reeve has dedicated his life to bringing attention to finding a cure for spinal cord injuries. Gee, I wonder who'll be first in line for the cure. The line for the rich and famous forms to the left. All those neither rich nor famous will be contacted for treatment after all of the famous people and their paralyzed pets have been cured. Please make your checks out to the "Save Christopher Reeve" fund.
4. "We're Trying."
"We're Trying" has become the socially-acceptable euphemism for "we've been fucking a lot for the purposes of getting pregnant." Believe me, folks. I've been there. My wife and I fielded questions from friends and family for damn near 15 months. Apparently, there needs to be something you can say in mixed company that doesn't actually use the word "fucking" to describe the process of doing it, then cumming, then hoping the sperm does its dirty business inside the vast interworkings of the female reproductive system. Yeah, I get that. But to say "we're trying" just bothers me for some reason. It's like in Mallrats during the game show when Brandi asks Brodie about making whoopee:
Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like fucking?
I think Brody sums it up best. I think if people are going to nose around in your most intimate business by essentially asking if your sperm has fertilized your wife's egg (or vice-versa, ladies), then the appropriate response should be something more candid and less euphemistic than "We're trying." My suggestion is to say something like, "Well, I think I jerk off too much. Probably if I jerked off less I'd have more cum. And having a larger cum load to shoot into my wife more will probably increase our chances of getting her knocked up." I'd suggest using the word "cum" as many times as possible because it's just so damn vulgar. Or, just go with, "Hey, none of your fucking business, jerk."
5. Comic Book Movies.
Hey, I've seen Spiderman. Both of them. They're both good. Fine. We agree. But I challenge anyone to point to another handful of movies of this genre that have been good. I think all of the Batmans sucked. Supermans? Don't get me started. Catwoman, please. Daredevil, not good. The X-men ones were decent, but the Hulk sucked some serious ass. [Speaking of the Hulk, why wasn't the Hulk totally naked when he enlarged from man to monster? Why didn't his pants rip off like his shirt? I'm not gay, but I wanted to see his huge green penis. Shit, we were all curious.] Is there no one with an original idea left in Hollywood? Oh, and now it's not just comic books, it's comic strips too. I'm not sure, but I don't think Garfield is going to win any Oscars. Yet, somehow it made $70 million. If people, lots and lots of people, will pay to see Garfield it can only be a matter of time until we get Apartment 3-G or Cathy on the big screen. How about Rex Morgan, MD or that bullshit comic they run in the Sports section? That fucking thing takes weeks worth of comics to make it through a single conversation where one of the boys tells one of the other boys that he has "strange feelings" for the Coach. I'm just saying that for every one movie based on a comic that's bearable to watch, there are ten others that aren't even worth renting. Yeah, fuck you, Funky Winkerbean! I say do away with all of them.
6. Standard Voicemails For Those With No Short-Term Memory.
Here's what I hear when I check my voicemail:
"You have ___ unheard messages. The following ___ messages have not been heard. First unheard message..."
Do we really need so much build up for unheard messages? Jeez Louise. "Unheard," yes, I heard you the first time. Now let it go already and give me my damn messages. Shit.
7. Baby's First Birthday.
First of all, I've always been against celebrating a baby's first birthday on principle alone. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't see it my way. So when our little one comes along, I'm sure we'll be celebrating just like everyone else with the cake and the camcorder and the 30 friends standing around wondering how long it'll be 'til they can make up an excuse to leave. But, c'mon, folks. Can we agree this is just a stupid, stupid tradition. Here's an novel concept: The baby doesn't know it's his birthday! He's not going to be any more pissed than usual if everyone saves a couple of bucks on clothes he'll outgrow in a week and books he'll never read and stuffed animals he'll slobber all over and enormous multi-colored Fisher-Price toys he'll try to cram in his mouth. (Babies aren't very smart as evidenced by their total lack of spacial relationships.) They shit themselves regularly and sleep 16 hours a day. They're like little homeless people. Next time someone you know has a baby about to turn one, wouldn't it be refreshing to hear them say, "You know, we've decided we're not really going to do anything until next year. I mean, he doesn't know it's his birthday, right? We're just going to save the money we would've spent on cake and party favors and those bullshit Wiggles videos and go out drinking. We bend over backwards to please that little fucker every other day of the year and I'll be damned if he's going to get a first birthday party. Fuck that." I think I'll be an excellent father.
8. Short-Sleeve Dress Shirt Guy.
I still see these guys on occasion. It's good to know widely-accepted business fashion over the last two decades just doesn't affect some people. Short-sleeve Dress Shirt Guy will not be bullied by popular fashion opinion. "It's hot out there," he says to himself. "Long-sleeve dress shirts are for those ass pirates over in Marketing. Here in Accounting, we go with the tie and the short sleeves." It's no coincidence that the short-sleeve dress shirt usually accompanies a tie that is either too short or too thin and pants that contain 0% cotton. As you can see, the short-sleeve dress shirt is a lifestyle choice. It says, "Yes, I'm wearing cowboy boots, but don't judge me." It says, "I got this shirt at JC Penney along with a pair of pants that already had a belt in them." It says, "Check me out tomorrow and I might be wearing a bolo tie."
9. Just Play The Fucking Music Already.
I'm going to be honest here: I've become a little too cool for regular radio. These things happen when you get your own blog and six people follow it. Anyway, for my 30th birthday, I sprung for XM radio and I left 18th Century radio behind like the butter churn and the VCR. But, those of you still hopelessly behind the times with your am/fm radios and your black and white TVs and your 250-lb. microwaves can still relate to the ongoing competition between radio stations to play more music and fewer commercials than the competition. Somewhere along the line some radio station egghead convinced some more eggheads that listeners actually care about this kind of shit. That's why eight times an hour you still hear JC & the Wolfman come on during the break to remind you "the Wolf (sfx of wolf howling) plays more music per hour than even God himself. We guarantee 80 of today's hottest tracks every hour. While we're playing music, the Bear plays 12 commercials every break, 10 times an hour ("wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah" sfx). The ass clowns down at the Bear do more talking than your wife! So, keep it locked into the Wolf (sfx of wolf howling) and enjoy 70-minute music hours, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY." Then, when you switch over to the Bear, they're saying essentially the same thing: they play more songs than it is logistically possible to play in one hour without playing three songs at once while the Wolf is staffed by a bunch of lurking pedophiles who think you want more commercials. The whole thing is just ridiculous. Why doesn't everyone just shut the fuck up and play the damn music?
10. Jan Ullrich.
Jan Ullrich doesn't actually piss me off, I just think his story is a sad commentary on fate's role in everyone's success or failure. Ninety-nine people out of 100 couldn't even tell you who Jan Ullrich is, so I will. Jan Ullrich is the FIVE TIME RUNNER UP in the Tour de France (he did win it in '97). Let me tell you what this means: were it not for Lance Armstrong, this guy would be the greatest cyclist the modern world has ever seen. Yet, because of Lance's dominance, this guy is just the answer to a trivia question. Most of us will never know what it's like to be so completely dominant in any one thing in our whole lives, yet this Ullrich guy, for as dominant as he is, is still one guy short of being world-renown.
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