Belated Holiday Top 10 Things That Piss Me Off
1. Starbucks.
Listen, I know a lot people love Starbucks. These people are The Coffee Slaves, and their entire morning is orchestrated around "getting coffee." I work in an office and see these types every single day. These are the people that buy the $38 cup of designer coffee w/ the cardboard sleeve on their way to the office and what's vastly more important than the actual taste of the $38 coffee is BEING SEEN with the $38 coffee. These people used to have to go out of their way to find their precious, precious coffee, but thanks to the proliferation of Starbucks, now there's one within walking distance of 85% of the population, even in rural areas. I hate coffee and I hate Starbucks. Oh, and what the hell is with the Moby Dick reference anyway?

2. Orange County/American Choppers.
What the fuck is this new fascination with choppers? I can't go anywhere without seeing logos on apparrel and merchandise about choppers. It's choppers this and choppers that everywhere! There's a damn show on TLC now about choppers, the retarded cousin of the motorcycle family. I just don't get it. Here's my favorite quote about Choppers: Search for "Zed."

3. Michael Moore.
Just what American needs. Another whiny-ass liberal. Michael Moore is always bitching and moaning about something and I'm tired of it. Michael, please just shut up.

4-6. The F-150 Trifecta.
This is a three-part symphony of annoyance. I witnessed each of these on a trip recently and it dawned on me that my experience w/ the F-150 asshole was much more rule than exception. Anyway, I'm traveling out of town on the Friday before Memorial Day and even though I'm keeping up with the line of traffic in the fast lane, Mr F-150 Asshole feels the need to get right up on my bumper. So, that's pissing me off right away. He needs to get right on my ass to assert his dominance in his big boy truck. "Get out of my way," he must be saying. "I've got a Travis Tritt tour stop in Branson to get to post haste!" Finally, a few miles down the road when I finally swerve over to avoid being crushed by Bigfoot, as he guns it to pass me, what do I see hanging from his review mirror? You guessed it: A dreamcatcher. "You gotta be shitting me," I thought to myself. It appears this neanderthal has a sensitive side I had not accounted for. Anyway, the dreamcatcher is #2 as I'm sure the native americans had never envisioned their sacred tribal symbol hanging around some jackass's rearview mirror. The third thing happened on my way back into town when I was passed by another F-150 18-ton megatruck w/ it's V-14 engine. As the truck passes me I see two figures sandwiched together near the driver's side. That's right. Mrs F-150 has scooted over into what should be the empty spot between two people riding in the front so she can be closer to her man. Give me a break. How do these people sleep at night knowing that I hate them so much?

7. The Roadside Money Collector.
Here in Louisville we have two kinds of beggars: The people begging on behalf of some charity or civic organization and the person begging on behalf of themselves. I hate both of them. The charity beggars are the worst though. They emerge, like cicadas, from the earth each summer with their rubber fireman boots and clog up our sidestreets begging for money during redlights. I just smile and wave while the sucker in front of me donates change by the handful every time he's accosted by these idiots. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- just tax me $20 a year extra and spread it out among the charities represented by the fireboot people and get them out of the fucking street.

8. Shrek 2.
Were it not for Donkey, I might be able to watch this movie under the influence of only heavy doses of perscription pain medication. As it is, it would take an Act of Congress to get me to even eat that ice cream w/ the gummy worms from Baskin Robbins, let alone actually watch this movie. The first one was absolutely painful. I hated it and what made it worse was that so many other people loved it. Well, you know what? You're all stupid.

9. Beer on the Back of the Toilet.
I was in an australian-themed steakhouse over the weekend that will remain nameless and I went into the stall and saw an empty beer mug on the back of the toilet. Do I need to say any more to make your blood boil? Some redneck couldn't separate himself from his beloved beer long enough to go into the can, do his business, wash his hands and come back to the table. Then, as if guided by Emily Post herself, Mr Manners decides it's probably less socially uncouth to just leave the beer in the restroom rather than return to the table with it. There's nothing like a total breach of etiquette at the dinner table to upset your tanktop-wearing hillbilly friends' delicate sensibilities.

10. The Misused English Grab Bag.
Too many people say "less than" when they mean "fewer."
Way too many people think "supposably" is actually a word.
I hear people say "Far and few between." That's wrong.
It's "buck" naked, not "butt" naked. I know it doesn't make sense these days, but you have to remember this is an old saying. Trust me. It's "buck."
Another one: it's "bald-faced lie" not "bold-faced lie." It doesn't mean that someone brazenly tells you a lie. It means someone lies right to your face without expression. Thus, their face is bald (like a head w/ no hair), or expressionless, not bold.
Oh, and one more. It's "champing", not "chomping" at the bit. Again, you'll just have to trust me on this one.
People type "then" when they mean "than."
People all over the country can say "hour," but for some reason when they say "our" it always comes out "are." Why is that?
All of these should be punishable with prison time.