Friday's 10 Things That Piss Me Off
1. The Ridiculous "Last-Name-As-First-Name" Baby Name Craze.
When I was in high school every other guy was named either Brian or Jason and every other girl was Michelle or Stephanie. Fifteen years from now, boys not named Gibson, Mason, Carson or Jackson will be ostracized and considered to be future transvestites. Girls not named Madison, Kaitlyn (or its variations), Morgan or Mackenzie will be slutty. Very, very slutty.

2. All Forms Of "Business-Speak."
If you've ever been asked to facilitate, spearhead or steward a project, you know what I'm talking about. When did it become unacceptable for a manager to just walk into his employee's office and say, "Hey listen, Mike, I've got something I need you to work on."? Word mutations and language bastardization spread through offices like mono in high school. See, most idiots think it makes them sound smarter. Look at me, everyone, I'm "in the loop." I must be important as I was able to positively "impact" sales. Perhaps we could sit down and I could jerk you off and while you're blowing your load on my chest I could help you outline ways to "grow your business." Business speak is for complete assholes. On a side note, I bought a really great book last year called Junk English, by Ken Smith. I highly recommend it if this kind of thing pisses you off too.

3. New-School Rap.
I mean, seriously, can we all agree it sucks? Old school (80's, 90's) rap is where it's at. If new school rap is so great, how come all of these new guys just want to be actors? You can keep your Chingy and your Nelly and your Lil'Kim/Lil' Romeo/Lil' Troy/Lil' Tikes. Also please keep Ja-Rule, Jay-Z, whatever the fuck Sean Combs calls himself these days and Missy Elliott. I'll take Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, Tupac (he's even more creative now that he's dead), Dr Dre and anything by the Beastie Boys all day long.

4. Romantic Comedies.
Too much romance, not enough comedy, never enough nudity. For every really good romantic comedy like "When Harry Met Sally," we get 10 Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant shit bombs. The acting range of these two combined can only be described as "extremely limited."

5. People Who Breathe Through Their Mouths.
You've got a nose, fucker. Use it.

6. The Darwin Fish.
The Darwin fish pisses me off for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it is an insult to Christians. See, it was created after the "Jesus Fish" (thank you, David Putty) was popularized on cars across the country. The Darwin fish's message is this: "In case you're one of those idiots who believes the universe was created by a higher power, my little Darwin fish should be telling you I think you're a religious kook and you're wrong." The Darwin fish is supposed to represent the reality of evolution and the gradual change of sea-dwellers to land-dwellers. You may recall, the Darwin fish has feet. Here's the problem: not one scientist EVER has unearthed fossils that would even begin to suggest (let alone prove) this type of evolutionary metamorphosis. Any scientist worth his salt will tell you it is highly unlikely these interim species EVER EXISTED. If they did, show me a fossil record. Anyway, my point is, the Darwin fish is not only insulting, it's just plain wrong.

7. Fear Factor.
Fear Factor used to be a decent show. There used to be plenty of stunt challenges and only the occasional challenge requiring contestants to eat each other's vomit. Now, the show should just be called, "People Eating Disgusting Shit on TV." It's like every challenge now involves contestants eating pig feces or tiny, live birds or clumps of human hair while submerged in a tank filled with poisonous sea snakes. And for what? A measly $50K. This is insane.

8. Mr. "I-Just-Got-My-New-Badass-Cell-Phone" Guy.
We've all seen at least one guy like this. You know who I'm talking about. He's the guy behind you in the ticket line at the cinema. He's the moron in the low-riding Neon w/ ground effects. He's the guy wearing the wife beater and the headband at your favorite sit-down restaurant. You've overheard him saying, "Yeah, lemme git some of them chicken wings." This guy is the King of the Assholes. Other assholes meet to talk about this guy and how he is able to totally block out any and all respect or consideration for other human beings. His most favoritest thing in the whole wide world is to draw attention to himself and his $400 million cell phone. He likes talking loud on it to his buddy who's just about to get off work at Arby's. They'll be meeting up later at "the spot" (his friend's mom's basement) to "kick it" (play PlayStation) with "some girls" (some other dudes).

9. The WNBA.
Here's a great idea: let's create a basketball league without all the grace, the speed, the shot-blocking, the dunking, the heterosexual interest and the corporate sponsors of the NBA. Instead, let's make a whole league full of lesbians and we'll call it the WNBA. We'll tell the press it's more "fundamentally sound" basketball, which is a nice way of saying "it's extremely boring to watch" unless you're watching it for the mannish women.

10. People Who Don't Return Their Shopping Cart to the Designated Cart Corral.
"I'm far too busy and much too lazy to walk an extra 10 yards to put my cart in its proper place. Surely they have people who will do this since I'm a total asshole and I think it's ok to leave it here in the parking lot. I'm better than everyone else and I don't have to play by the rules. I will not be inconvenienced." These people are jerks.