Friday's 10 Things That Piss Me Off
1. Latino guys that put huge spanish words like "LOCO" on the back glass of their cars. Is there no other font choice than calligraphic old english? Jeez.
2. Oversized Mother's Day Cards. Sweet lord. I went in to Walgreens yesterday to get a card for my mom. I saw plenty of the regular sized cards and then a whole outlay of these huge friggin' cards. My God. They were these huge, placard-sized cards w/ the triple accordion fold. "Mom, stand over there while I unfold this massive card. I'll read you the first half then we'll go get some lunch. We'll finish the rest later."
3. The guy in my office w/ the really big teeth. Each tooth looks like an upside down tombstone. He usually gets a mouthful of ultra white saliva that sticks in the corners of his mouth. He frequently spits on me when he talks.
4. The trailer for Kate Hudson's new movie. Apparently she's this young, single, successful girl who must choose between the NY lifestyle she's come to enjoy and adopting her dead sister's three kids. Seriously, we've all seen this same movie 20 other times w/ 20 other titles. I don't want to ruin the plot for you, but I bet she takes the kids and settles down. What a novel concept.
5. Anything to do w/ Frasier. Memo to David Hyde Pierce: Good luck finding another role for an incredibly effiminate "straight" man. Do yourself a favor: dye your hair black and hope and pray for the lead role in the David Gest biopic.
6. Those bullshit ESPN shorts.
7. Places w/ waaaaay too much handicap parking. I went to the Louisville Bats (triple A - Cincinnati) stadium for lunch on Wednesday and there must've have been 30 handicap parking spots. I don't mean to sound mean, but this is crazy. Two-thirds of those spots never get used. Meanwhile, the able-bodied are being forced to walk several yards further than necessary.
8. That email about the microsoft/aol email beta. This is old news to almost everybody. I'm sure you've gotten several times yourself in the last few years. You know, it's the email that says to forward the email to 10 people and Microsoft will send you a check for some ridiculous amount of money. Even the biggest, dumbest jerks I know are aware this thing is total horseshit. No one is going to send you any money. Yet, last week some guy I haven't talked to in two years sends it to me with a happy little message like, "I have a friend of a friend who got a check for $24,000. I had to give it a try." I sent him back an email saying I'd personally match any amount of money Microsoft sends him. What a fucking dumbass.
9. The sideways-cocked baseball cap on America's youths. I want to walk up to one of these 15-year-old douche bags and say, "Hey, you know what? You're not a rapper. You're not Eminem. You didn't grow up in a ghetto or on welfare. Your dad's a CPA. Your mom works at a bank. You're not hard. You don't know what it even means to "keep it real." You look fucking stupid and I can't wait until you realize you'll not only eventually give into THE MAN, someday you may be THE MAN. Or you may go to prison." As an aside, the trucker cap phase, thankfully, has officially come and gone. Unfortunately, all too many teens in the heartland aren't aware as yet. I'm still seeing too many trucker caps, too many skin tight shirts and too many cargo shorts. I love how America's youth express their individuality by all dressing EXACTLY FUCKING ALIKE!
10. Michael Jackson.
