Scrumtralescence at its Most Scrumtralescent
Neil Armstrong takes one small step for man. The Berlin Wall comes tumbling down. OJ Simpson is acquitted of double murder*. All profound moments in television history to be sure, and yet, measured against the pantheon of world-altering events captured on camera during our lifetime, these are essentially middle school talent shows compared with the gravity, the spectacle, the pageantry of last night's season two wrap up of Rock of Love (click the link for Brett's super-fake crotch bulge...somewhere a girls fast pitch team is missing a softball). To borrow a made up word used by Will Ferrell while impersonating James Lipton, it was scrumtralescent. If you missed it, you should feel like less of a man or woman. Just watching the fight sequence on YouTube is enough to cure pink eye. I would not be surprised in the least to find out some viewers were cured of real diseases like diabetes or melanoma or necrophilia after watching last night's episode in its entirety. I assume people lucky enough to be in the live studio audience will live forever. That, folks, is how awesome it was. If you missed it, be sure to catch it on DVD.


*Editor's Note: I am, of course, referring to OJ's acquittal in the criminal case. You probably recall the jury returned a verdict of not guilty based primarily on the idea that "the glove doesn't fit." That same piece of evidence didn't work out as well in the civil court as the judge, perhaps a glove expert in a former life or maybe just a fan of Dan Marino's commercial work, understood that it is physically impossible to make a glove "fit" while your hand is completely open and all your fingers are splayed out. I mean, my three year old sometimes struggles with this concept when we try to put on her snow gloves but I'd expect an adult on 12-person jury to have put on a glove before. Maybe that's asking too much in Southern California.