Is It Wrong To Want To Punch A Four-Year-Old In The Face?

Watching movies is one of my hobbies. I used to see a lot more when I had Netflix, but even now, my wife and I see our fair share. Spiderman 2 (***) came out last Wednesday and since I had no desire to fight the crowd to see it opening night, we decided on a Saturday matinee. Smaller crowd, cheaper tickets.

What could go wrong? Plenty.

Let me begin by taking some responsibility for our arrival approximately 10 minutes prior to the movie beginning. I'd assumed the 11 am showing would not be packed and I was wrong. It always pisses me off when you get the people that come in as the movie's starting looking for a bunch of seats together and they're crawling across you to get to them or, worse yet, asking you to move so they can sit together. Fortunately, we didn't have to be "those people." When we walked in, we found three remaining seats together (my wife's cousing went along too)in the first row (four seats) of the section that overhangs the side entrance. Luckily, these are the seats we usually pick anyway. So, we grabbed them before someone else had a chance without really surveying the scene. What we failed to notice were the children sans parent seated behind us.

I have no problem with folks chatting before the movie begins and even during the previews. It's not my favorite thing in the world, but it won't ruin the movie for me or anything. In fact, I've gotten to where I try to listen for the people in my vicinity that lean over after a preview to say to there viewing partner/s, "I want to see that." I think it's a little red-necky and I've asked my wife not to do it, but it's not a huge deal. My wife is only allowed to agree with me when I lean over to say, "That looks really stupid." But, I'm getting away from the point...

So, we're seated and the commercials before the previews begin. No sooner had our asses hit the seats than one of the kids behind us (there were four of them at an average age of maybe five) starts yelling (I'm not exaggerating) across the aisle (you heard me right) to his father, "Daddy, turn off the lights!" This wasn't a request, it was an order. As you've probably noticed, the house lights don't go all the way down until the movie starts and Young Master Impatient behind us was having none of it. The first time, the three of us kinda chuckled. It was mildly amusing in a "kids-say-the-darnedest-thing" kinda way. Unfortunately, that was only the beginning. After yelling across the aisle three more times without so much as a peep from his "attentive" father, the previews mercifully began and we got a momentary reprieve from junior's bitching. Our mistake was thinking that he and his little friends were finished.

[Quick editorial aside: I don't have children yet, but I am of the opinion that PG-13 movies, especially those w/ some violence like Spiderman 2, is not the place to take young children like the ones behind us. Eight or nine-year olds, fine. But, four, five and six-year olds, I just don't agree with. I'm apparently in the minority on this one as the average age of the children in both movies was probably five.]

So, the previews begin. If I remember correctly, I think we saw Catwoman, National Treasure, Sky Captain and the something-something, Christmas at the Kranks, Anaconda 2, Collateral and The Bourne Supremacy. Catwoman was of particular interest to our underage guests. One said, "That looks cool," and another said, "I want to see that one." I thought about turning around to say, "Kids, you don't know it yet, but that's going to be really shitty. It would only be good if Halle Berry was topless the entire movie, but that ain't happening." But, I restrained myself. The kids also liked Anaconda 2 and they all agreed "it looked really cool." What wasn't so cool was the INCESSANT running commentary at near-concert-level decibels from these kids. Every preview for about the first five coincided with and was followed by talking, yammering, shouting, oohing, aaahing and you get the picture. The worst part was that clearly father dearest did not want to be bothered by his kid or his kid's friends. His ONLY protest during the 15-minute running commentary was a very weak, "Parker. Be quiet,", which, as I mentioned, came from across the aisle.

Anyway, after the fifth preview, Little Lord Fauntleroy had had enough and in the same tone as his "turn the Lights Off" demand, he took up with, "Daddy, start the movie!" I don't know who this kid was or what powers he believed his father to possess, but by this time I wanted to yell over in my patented high-pitched kid's voice, "Daddy, punch me in the face and beat me in front of all these people."

By that time though, we could tell the situation would only worsen and we settled on the 11:30 am showing. So, with as much disgusted body language as we could all muster, we slowly stood, paused and filed down the aisle simultaneously. To be honest, I was suprised no one left with or before us. As we got to the bottom of the steps, we rounded the corner in time to see the father, having received our non-verbal message loud and clear, kneeling beside the kids at which point I said loudly, "Oh, that's good. Go over now, jerk!" I'm a pacifist (read: sissy), so we kept walking in case he heard me. As obnoxious as these kids were (probably unknowingly), I think it's fair to lay the blame at the feet of the father. It's not fair to everyone else when your kid is disruptive in a public place. Take a stand, fucker. These weren't babies or toddlers. Discipline your child. Be a parent, for chrissakes!

Anyway, All did not end badly. The 11:30 showing was much less crowded and, with the exception of a loud grandmother yelling at Hunter and Keaton to sit closer to Paw-Paw, everything else went off without a hitch. I chalked it all up to a learning experience.

Here's what I learned:
1) Children have little or no volume control.
They simply cannot whisper. Most are also unaware they're loud. I admire the parents that preach the concept of the "inside voice."
2) Children have absolute shit for taste in movies.
I consider myself a little bit highbrow in my movie choices. I like seeing movies most of the general public will never see in addition to the blockbusters. Again, it's a hobby of mine. I can see I'm going to have a very difficult time adjusting to the movie tastes of my child (due Jan 28). The idea of not only paying, but having to sit through shit like Garfield, Two Brothers, Shrek 2 and all the other Hollywood crap directed a kids is, for me, frightening. It's just against my principle to patronize and reinforce the making of these kinds of movies. Anyway, it'll be one of many sacrifices I'm sure.