Friday's Top 10 Things That Piss Me Off (the Next Tuesday edition)
1. People Who Don't Wear Belts.
I see it all the time: White guy. Jean shorts. T-shirt (or polo shirt) tucked in. NO BELT. Or, White guy. Khakis. Buttondown. NO BELT. I can't even imagine how this guy looks at himself in the mirror and thinks, "Look out, ladies. Daddy's on the prowl To-NIGHT!." Someone is still buying Aqua Velva and it has to be these guys. I'd be interested to hear one of these idiots wax philosophic about the purpose of the five loops of fabric on his waistband. Apparently, they're meant to be strictly decorative, sort of like pants garnish.

2. Location-Themed Clothes And The People Who Wear Them.
Let me first say yours truly is guilty of many a poor clothing choice. I once bought a tanktop at King's Island and wore it that very same day. It said "Vortex" on it. I'm still embarrassed about it. In that same vein, I've come to really despise location-themed clothing. Usually it's a simple embroidered t-shirt that might say "Myrtle Beach" or "Sanibel Island." These people need to understand that I don't care where they've been. No one else does either. Isn't this just a form of bragging? People only seem to wear clothing with names of tropical or historical locales, auspiciously to inform the layperson of their good vacation taste. I guess I could tolerate this more if I occasionally saw the fannypack that said, "Des Moines" or the bucketcap that said, "Trenton, NJ. America's heel spur."

3. The "Security Alert Is At A High Level" Message At The Airport.
I think I speak for most Americans when I say, "Hey, I remember 9-11. When I'm ready to fly, I assume security is at a high-level. You don't have to remind me over the PA every 45 seconds. In fact, you know what, just let me know when the security level drops back down to medium. Then I'll feel safe again offering my credit card number to the two arab guys next to me with the shifty eyes."

4. Wal-Mart.
Frankly, as much as I hate Wal-Mart, I'm a little surprised this one just now came to me. Wal-Mart is about one step removed from being a hostel with a snack bar. I don't mean to sound uppity, but could there be any greater concentration of degenerates and low-lifes anywhere else in retail America than at Wal-Mart? Hell, my mom shops at Wal-Mart and it still bugs the shit out of me. (Then again, my mom also had one of those plastic crown air freshners for a little while) Anyway, back to Wal-Mart... Apparently, the tired, the poor, the huddled masses all left Ellis Island many years ago and relocated to Wal-Marts across the country. I think the freaks really do come out at night because Wal-Mart closes.

5. Musicians Who Refer To Themselves As "Artists."
Maybe I'm splitting hairs on this one. I'm not saying musicians aren't talented folk. Certainly they're creative and all, but to say "artist", to me, is just a stretch. I mean, is Jay-Z an "artist?" He makes music. Is J-Lo an "artist?" She makes music. Toby Keith, "artist?" I think not. Anybody with a song about "kicking ass" can't be considered an artist or it's just an insult to actual artists.

6. People Who Shouldn't Be Famous But Are.
Hollywood is absolutely filled to the brim with talentless people. The best example I can come up with has to be Carson Daly. (Send your examples to chipsblog@hotmail.com) But, then again, he's no less talented than Nicole Ritchie. What about Dr. Phil? He's a big tub of shit and I hate him. Here are some more: Joe Rogan, Screech and Mario Lopez, Melissa Rivers, that weird-ass Cujo guy that's supposed to be a fashion expert, Jesse from MTV, Rose McGowan, anybody from the Real World. Let me hear yours.

7. People With No Competitive Drive.
I hate when you go somewhere like a party or a get-together and someone suggests that everyone play a game and there's always that one guy/girl that wants to play, but doesn't want to play seriously. So, they dick around and screw it up for everyone else. Board games are bad, but there's nothing worse than engaging in athletic activity with the tragically un-athletic. I can only pretend it's funny for so long to see these people make asses of themselves. Listen, if I'm playing, I want to keep score. I want to win. I don't believe in playing "just for fun." Winning is fun. I'm not saying I'm going to be an asshole about it, but if we're going to play, can we all at least pretend to want to win? Hey, if you're unathletic, here's a novel concept: DON'T PLAY. How hard is it to say, "You know what, I'm not very coordinated. I'd only make it not fun for you guys, especially you, Chip. I'm just going to stew in my own shame over on the sidelines while you guys have fun."? Seriously, is it that hard to say that?

8. Pharmacies On Every Fucking Corner.
I don't think we need eight Walgreens stores in a five block radius. I don't think we need a CVS next to all eight Walgreens in a five block radius either.

9. Small Dogs.
I like almost all dogs. I'm a dog person. However, I draw the line at very small dogs, like poodles, bichon frises, chihuahuas and the like. My test would be if I could accidentally kill a dog with a vacuum cleaner, it's too small. What's worse are the old blue-hairs that take their tiny little dogs with them everywhere. Somehow I think Gertrude would object if I walked into her grocery store cradling a very large rat, yet she feels it's perfectly normal to carry her same-sized dog throughout the store. It's a load of horseshit if you ask me. Hey lady, leave your tiny dog at home with his microscopic chew toys in his subatomic kennel.

10. Bi-Sexuals.
Look, if you're a guy and you like to fuck guys, you're gay. If you're a girl and you like to go downtown, you're a lesbian. If your thing is the opposite sex, then you're straight. But, shit, pick one and go with it. You're not special. You can't just check out both sides, back and forth, back and forth, until you get yourself all figured out. And don't give me that shit about "I'm just looking for love wherever I can find it and I don't care if that person happens to be a woman or a man." I say "fuck you." You choose, asshole. Then you sit there and you like it! The straights AND the gays are getting damn tired of your wishy-washy ass.