Five Stupid Commercials.

I thought I'd take a couple of minutes today to jot down some commercials I hate. I mentioned the idea to some friends a few days ago and I got some of their feedback too. I'll be back tomorrow-ish with my regular Top 10 submission. Enjoy.

1. Cialis.
For those of you who don't know, Cialis is a drug (on par with Viagra) that provides, in medical terms, a "rock-hard cock" for up to four hours. Any longer than that, and the friendly voice-over suggests you and you're erect penis consult a physician who specializes in prolonged boners. You'd have to see this commercial to appreciate it's breathtaking stupidity. My friend Stephen takes particular exception to the two people reclining in the outdoor bathtubs. Check out the website for that visual. Anyway, when one of them gets a bit randy, the VO says, "So, when a relaxing moment becomes the right moment, will you be ready?". I mean, if you can watch it without laughing at people with erectile dysfunction, you're a better man than I am, Charlie Brown. Oh, and here's another question that deserves an answer: Let's say you're one of the unlucky schlubs that experiences the marathon rod (4+ hrs), how is that preferable to not being able to get it up at all? Maybe I'd feel differently if I were in my 60s and I was allotted only one erection per fortnight, but in my book, perpetual baby dick would be preferable to having to constantly broach the subject of "Grandpa's huge rod" with the teenage grand kids.

2. Levitra
Here we find another of the male-enhancement drug commercials. Levitra is probably damn near identical to Cialis except that Mike Ditka prefers Levitra and I assume that holds some sway with impotent football fans. Anyway, in the non-Ditka commercials for Levitra, there's a guy throwing a football through and old tire in his yard and I guess, for whatever reason, the guy just gets himself all worked up into a lather and he decides to go in and bang his wife. Maybe that old tire is shinier than usual. Maybe that football feels just right in his hand. Hey, your guess is as good as mine. What makes this commercial doubly funny is the casting director could not have found a less athletic human being if he had his pick of the kids in that spelling bee on ESPN. (C'mon, you've seen those home-schooled kids. Nerds, yes. Athletes, I'm afraid not.) This guy couldn't be more limp wristed if you removed all of the bones from his wrists and put tiny maxi-pads where the bones used to be. Yet, there he is, running around his yard in his jeans throwing that football through that tire and getting hornier each time the planets align and he's able to accidentally toss that football through from a few yards away.

3. Chevy.
Let me set the scene for you: five guys of varying ethnicities (big shock) are traveling somewhere rugged in some Chevy truck. I believe it's the Avalanche, but I could be wrong. Anyway, the guy "riding bitch" is singing along with Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" on the radio while the other guys, including the driver(!), visibly cringe. Anyway, I believe we are to assume that all four of them sit there in their own private hell while Andrew Ridgely back there finishes out the song. Surely you're wondering what I'm wondering. Why doesn't the driver tell the other guy, "Look, jerkoff, this is my radio. We won't be listening to your bullshit music anymore. If you want to listen on your headphones, that's your call, but, I should warn you: we will be beating you tonight with our pillowcases filled with soap." This commercial is as irrational as it is just plain stupid.

4. Chasers
This may only be a regional commercial. If it is, then a good portion of the US is missing out on possibly the most unintentionally hilarious commercial ever recorded. Chasers are basically anti-hangover pills. "So, what's so funny about that?" you're probably asking. I say to you what could possibly be funnier than two 30-something alcoholics avoiding the one question we're all wondering: "So, who fucked who?" In the commercial, a couple sits at the breakfast table. The guy is clearly hung down pretty low. It would appear he slept in whatever clothes he passed out in the night before. Clearly, he's regretting his tequila rampage. His wife, on the other hand, is in fine spirits. What he says is (and I'm quoting here), "You drank more than I did." What he means is, "The last thing I remember is you showing your tits to the bartender to get me a free shot. I don't remember anything after that. How'd I get these rope burns on my wrists and ankles?" What his wife says is, "I took Chasers." What she means is, "I took some Chasers. Then I took some X. Then I willingly tag-teamed two black dudes. One guy's name was James and I don't recall the other gentleman's name, but James said the guy was his "boy" and I took him at his word."

5. Smirnoff Black Ice.
I'm not exactly sure this product is called "Black Ice." Nonetheless, the commercial is for one of the six billion malt beverage products Smirnoff is selling these days that all taste exactly like Zima. But, I digress... Anyway, in the commercial the guy's at a party. He gets out of his 60s-style Mustang with his sixer of Black Ice and, so as to avoid driving off shit-faced after his six malt beverages (2% alcohol by volume), Mr Problem-Solver says to himself, "I'll just slash my own tires." And that's exactly what he does. This makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. Are we to believe $7 worth of malt beverage is worth $400 of new tires EVERY time he decides to drink? And, c'mon, is this guy planning to get so torn up on his six malt beverages that a) he'll be incapable of dialing a phone to call a cab or b) unable to put his hand in his pocket and hand his keys to his slightly-less-hammered friend? If the answer to either option is "yes," I submit that the biggest problem for the other partygoers might be that Captain Lightweight HAS A KNIFE and clearly, he's not afraid to use it on his tires or anyone else at the party that may try to stop him from driving away three sheets to the wind. Hey, I'm all for responsible drinking, but I think this is going a little far.

Honorable Mention: Take Me Fishing.
Unless you watch a lot of ESPN, you've probably never seen this one. It's sort of an institutional ad for the Fish & Game Alliance or something ridiculous like that. Anyway, there are several people saying, "Take Me Fishing because..." blah, blah, blah. The absolute worst is the old codger that says, "Take me fishing because I miss my boy." This guy sounds like he's about to stroke out right on the boat. Then you actually see him and he's got a life vest on and this look in his eyes like, "I miss my Linda. Where's Linda? Son, call up Linda. Tell her I'm here." You don't see it, but you just know the son rolls his eyes and whispers to one of the other guys on the boat, "Linda was his first wife. She's been dead for forty years."